Friday, September 3, 2010

The Last Bonk?

One would think that living a life of a hardcore headbanging caveman would be filled with fortune, fame, and millions of adoring fans.  Well... that may all be true.  But at what cost?  Bonk "Pithecanthropus Computerurus" the Caveman, aka PC Genjin, has been smashing skulls with some of the baddest baddies and most evil dinosaurs for over 20 years.  During this time, Bonk has endeared many injuries to his body, the most dangerous have been to his Central Cerebral region.  His head.

1989- The first outing on the TurboGrafx 16 Bonk had a relatively injury free campaign.  Outside of a few bumps and bruises, our hero was able to escape his grand Bonking Quest fairly healthy.

1990- Bonk's Revenge should have been titled Bonk's Migraine.  The Caveman Mascot of the TurboGrafx had some major issues with headaches, blurred vision, and loss of memory during and even after the second TurboGrafx outing.  Noticing the amount of damage being done to his head and even possible brain damage isn't difficult to see in his second vengeance filled game.  He now is forced to swim up waterfalls, which is all the more difficult after being asked to destroy, by headbutting no less, badguys, people with fishing polls, bosses, buidlings, and lets not forget the random flip of the (II) button and landing directly on the top of his head.  Also this reader would like to note that the slower speed of Bonk's spin MUST be directly linked to his Migraine issues as having loss of balance problems can also lead to a slower ability to spin attack.

1991-1994- Bonk having fired his agent found a new adviser that helped him learn to play the role of a more serious role model for future video game mascots.  He changed more than his game plan and headbutting techniques.  The Bonk brand went national as he was featured as not only the TurboGrafx mascot but now also was a featured star in Nintendo Entertainment branded games.  Bonk's Adventure was released on the NES and the GameBoy consoles.  As an added bonus all of the enemies and break away terrain that Bonk was seen hopping and bopping onto was made of rubber and balloons.  News broke out during a press conference in 1993 regarding Bonk's return to and most likely final TurboGrafx game was to be released.  The news was that Bonk would NOT be starring in the new TurboGrafx game.  When questioned as to why, he simply stated: "Unga Bunga, oooga Mooga!"  Which of course in caveman translates to "I am not as young as I used to be, I have to take care of myself physically!"  Bonk did however continue onward and created a new GameBoy title and two new 16-bit games on the Super Nintendo and Super Famicom. 

Fake Bonk:  When NEC/TTi/Hudson got wind of Bonk's refusal to participate in the final Bonk game for the TurboGrafx, they quickly switched gears and introduced Zonk.  Air Zonk debuted in what many call a pinnacle title in the consoles life legacy.  Being faster, hipper, younger, and wearing sunglasses, Zonk quickly caught the brunt of the TurboGrafx spotlight.  When the TurboGrafx introduced the 3rd game in the Bonk series:  Bonk 3:Bonks Big Adventure, the actual main character was played by a shaved Air Zonk and his slightly more tanned stunt double Jacob Hasslefist.  Zonk and Hasslefist played through the entire BIG Adventure game with the new rubber and breakaway baddies and terrains that Bonk had since been using in his Nintendo released outings.  Due to a low amount of advertising and promoting this third and final "Bonk" game came out far under the radar of a smash hit.

2008-2010- Bonk's Return was released on cell phones and mobile devices.  While Bonk was used for promotional purposes he was not actually involved in the creation of the game at all.  Stunt doubles and look alikes were used to play through this mobile release.  Many within the development team stated the same concerns with the fans reaction to the new titles.  "The screens on these devices are such crap, that the moron playing probably won't notice that its actually Bubsy the Bobcat in a caveman suit headbanging shit!  haha!"

Current times:  Scheduled for release this year a new Bonk game is ready for release.  Bonk: Brink of Extinction.  The team behind this game have done only a small amount of promotion for its release.  In doing so they have used mainly cartoon drawings and CG images of Bonk to show off the screen images.  Bonk has stated in the past that there will never be another Bonk game with him involved in actually headbanging the baddies away. Recently Bonk has had been in some trouble with authorities in Beijing, China regarding going on random attacks on local patrons!  There are also reports of Bonk sleeping in alley ways and grimacing in pain grabbing his head.  One can only think that this has to do with years of attacking villains and blocks with his head. 

Why didn't he just use his fist like Mario did in the old days?  Look at Mario, that bastard is living like a fat Italian king!!

 -Joshua ;)
                                                      You read it. You cannot un-read it.

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